My Healing Journey

I haven’t posted much about my mission. Honestly, I haven’t felt like I had the right words to say. 

My best short effort would be that it was life life-shifting, heart-changing, realigning experience. 

Complete joy. 

Complete anxiety. 

Complete stress. 

Complete smiles. 

Complete tears. 

All of it. 

How do you put that into words? 

You don’t. 

And I can’t. 

The “transition” back home was very difficult for me. 

I didn’t realize why until I went back to my mission and was explaining my journey to a friend. 

I changed on the mission. 

My countenance, priorities, light, understanding, strengths, weaknesses, etc. all changed. 

In 18.5 months. 

Coming home, living life as a changed person, is not something you prepare to do. 

It just happens. 

•

I came home and jumped right back into life. School, dating, family, friends, work, church, etc. 

Everything was good. 

I was happy. 

Doing the same things I had always done. 

And then, 2.5 months later, something changed. 

What? Couldn’t exactly tell you. 

Days were hard. Weeks harder. 

Tears were shed, and loneliness was frequent. 

Confusion rang loud, and my mind was lost in chaos. 

“Where do I go? What do I change? How do I start? What is right for me?”

Question after question after question. 

And then one day, it all changed. 

I didn’t wake up with a smile on my face and a pep in my step. 

No, instead, my tears brought blessings. 

Realization brought guidance. 

And I started to learn how to walk again. 

Starting on my hands and knees and working to a sprint. 

I had started. 

I was in control,

And it felt good. 

 •

3 months have gone by. 

I am fighting for the light. 

Grasping the rays as they came. 

“Please carry me” became my battle cry. 

Constant silent prayers and constant reasons to smile. 

Nothing was working out, but I had hope in the process. 

And that hope brought me a smile. 

I leaned on the definition of hope I had learned while serving, “an abiding confidence, grounded in your faith in Christ, that God will fulfill His promises to you.”

I knew the promises God had given to me when I decided to serve. 

He would not forsake me now. 

I was praying so often, there is no way he could forget me. 

•

3.5 months have gone by. 

I am exhausted. 

Physically. 

Emotionally. 

Mentally.

Talking to all the people I could. 

Asking all the questions I could. 

Seeking for the right. 

Seeking for Jesus Christ. 

Where would he have me go? 

What would he have me do? 

What can I do best? 

How do I live and stay “changed?”

Questions 

Questions 

Questions. 

Still fighting, and no answers. 

•

It’s been 4 months now.

Coming down to the last seconds possible for change. 

What major? 

Which roommates? 

Living on campus? 

Traveling? 

Deferring? 

And then it happened. 

Light. 

A thought from a friend. 

A suggestion. 

And when I heard this suggestion, I felt light. 

Peace. 

Relief. 

So I chased it. 

I had been running at that point, and I started a full-on sprint. 

Praying and diving deep into this new guidance. 

Roadblock. 

Roadblock. 

Roadblock. 

And then,

Solution. 

Solution. 

Solution. 

Boom, all figured out. 

I sat back in my chair and tipped my head up to the ceiling. 

Silent hot tears running down my face. 

I shook my head as a smile crossed my face. 

I muttered, “Thank you. Thank you for that guidance.”

The direction I had been seeking all along came to me in the last moments possible. 

And I left that classroom with a newfound pep in my step. 

•

5 months have come. 

Wow, that went fast. 

“Have I continued to change?

I still have so many questions. 

Is this really the right path? 

Am I doing all I can?”

I began seeking direction again. 

A focus is what I needed. 

I began prayer, fasting, pondering, studying, and searching. 

There was still a part of me, of Megan, that needed healing. 

And I wasn’t sure how to do that — how to heal. 

So I asked. 

And He answered.

In 2 words

“Serve others.”

Simple enough, I thought.

So I did just that. 

•

7 months have gone by. 

I cannot believe that it has been that long. 

My life has never been more service-filled. Thoughts of others and opportunities keep me busy. 

Big and small. 

Mighty and unnoticed. 

Day after day after day. 

I was becoming exhausted again. 

Emotionally.

Mentally.

Physically.

Trying to do it all. 

To keep up. 

Vacations with my family. 

Classes at school. 

A job. 

A social life. 

My service efforts. 

My homework load. 

Sleeping. 

Exercising. 

Making food. 

Etc. 

It all felt like a weight. 

And I didn’t want it to feel that way. 

So I talked to Him about it. 

And I kept going. 

Trusting in Him that as I clung to the flicker of light

“Serve others”

Everything would work out. 

And it did. 

Over time. 

Lots of time. 

•

It’s been nine months as I write this. 

What a journey I experienced this year. 

Growth and healing. 

Trusting and surviving. 

I’m currently on the plane back home. 

From visiting the place that brought me complete and absolute joy. 

As well as complete and absolute heartbreak. 

The place that gave me new light and new scars. 

A place I loved so deeply that the pain of leaving left a hurt so deep it took 8.5 months to heal. 

A hurt so deep that it took a trip back to tie off the loose ends. 

To recognize how my change changed other people. 

To remember. 

To reflect. 

Through this whole process, 

I trusted in Him. 

He made a promise to me on February 22, 2022. 

The day I decided to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

He promised me He would carry me. 

And, it would all work out. 

I did not and do not take that promise lightly. 

In reflection of my healing journey, 

It is evident to me that this journey has been one hand in hand with Him. 

The one who started this all for me. 

The one who called me, 

an unqualified yet willing servant, 

To serve. 

How ironic. 

What he asked me to sacrifice first, 

service

Healed me last. 

Healed me completely.